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C2C Tyne- A parody of 1970s slice of life style books.

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This humour\parody article is not supposed to be serious and is a joke!

OverviewEdit

A parody of British 1970s slice of life style books. Such sad, illiterate and depressive works do exist.

The storyEdit

The book of Limes by Mary "Ann" Smith, 1972-

THE ODD LIFE.

PrologueEdit

Hello, my name is Mary Angela Lynn Lucy Smith an; I am an old charity worker of 61 yaar’s of Newcastle. I am a former waitress, factory worker an; operating retail shop. I noo working on the till to the local charity shop due to heavy hysterectomy I had 19 yaar’s ago an; the troubles, agan.

NewcastleEdit

Loved Newcastle an; it waaz an idyllic retreat during my childhud, but the smoke an; moisture hurts me bad. The Newcastle Corporation Tramways operated a tramway service in Newcastle upon Tyne between 1901 an; 1950 an; the tracks were tarmacked over by my hoose in 1967. The Tynemouth an; District Tramways operatered an 3 ft (914 mm) narrow gauge tramway service between North Shields an; Tynemouth between 1883 an; 1900. This company waaz taken over by the North Shields an; Tynemouth District Tramways in 1897. The Tynemouth an; District Electric Traction Company operated a tramway service in North Shields, Tynemouth an; Whitley Bay between 1901 an; 1931. Tyneside Tramways an; Tramroads Company operated an; electric tramway service in Gosforth, Wallsend an; North Shields between 1902 an; 1930.

When I first started wearing collared tops when I waaz 5 or 6 years old I only did up the collar on the odd occasion, but I soon realise I much prefer it done up all the time. Thankfully I don’t suffer from noo problem with the heat, but in fact damp, so I do it up every day. I tend to get more criticism though when it is a particularly tied under with a pussy-cat bow only in Newcastle only. The shy thou'a ka'aka Rebecca, along with me, Greudach, Pōwāwae, Dounia, Aksvid, Grechen, Tenish an; Vehaila drink so much they breathered alcohol fumes. We talked each other about skirts, blooses, hats an; shoes all day long!

Those sluttish young peroxide blondes Eilidh, Nula an; Sally were hated sice they were 16 an; had anal sex useing a rubber glove in a local dockyard warehouse. It waaz seen as a problem of the drunken an; antisocial behavior type. Eilidh stocky, 20, glasses using dunce, with hair like a wig! The cow is now increasingly challenging, as a child ang a fired. She is a totally repulsive an; replant la'oe an; I don’t like her any-a-more! She put on deep, dark brown hair dye on her bight blond hair. The hair is fine, but to destroy faith, making it the only social life, pain ang happiness, ang willingness to work. Eilidh want an animal lives, the trial run waaz judged a moral darkness ang hatred, an; the animals died. I can’t work it out, I would also o'alani her an; she wanted the anal way to! Give up your body fat an; keep the i'oki, you quire bitch! Well it's a "Kana 'Enemi Na'ana The'aila", as we say here!

It is increasingly challenging, as a child an; teen due to the environment, an; the pet animals always died of coldar dampness regularly which we accepted as the dormercy, but also to destroy faith in pet's lives, making it the only social life, along with the parental pain an; teen happiness, an; a general willingness to work. Peter waaz good an; had a happy ka'ino smile an; laugh or right, usually working in the pit, but it fooled me a new one little mistake, so he died there in cave in! The smoke an; moisture hurted me when young, so I gave up my job in retail an; spent a yaar recovering from flue with my bother, Roderick, in Bolsover in 1976.

Milton Keynes cafeEdit

I went sooth to Milton Keynes in 1977. I waaz a waitress there until 1979, when I became a factory worker. I waaz just As a watress triped on a slipy path, thus on a broken floor tile in its lcale, fell an; broke my hip an; ankel. I waaz put on codine an; after a weck morohine in the hospital an; became got diorreah, very nausisated, pwecked up regularly, farted, burped, fainted, ate aloot, went bould, waaz much sleepy; soo I thus drink too much caffeine to solve it an; soo got giddy-balanced an; became deluded I waaz veru fat. I usually went to the bog because of my extreme drug enduced negligence of my heriated body!

The 1980sEdit

The 1980s saw clam an; moderation rule at both woork an; play for me over the first 7 yaars of deacadal times! I allwiz liked Mary Janes an; T-bars an; still do, since Court shoese an; Saddle shoese cut my feat; an Ballet flats, Mules, Slingbacks an; trainers are to casulised for my taste. Mary Janes an; T-bars were all the craze back then an; I loved them!

Silliness causes an herniationEdit

I show myself hernia an; acting ridiculous in a factory an; the deer doctor found a fibroid, a hernia an; an ovarian cyst at the beginning of 1990. It waaz removed in mid-1992, but the wound is became infected an; I hernia the next month again withoot showing the moment! He also said I should quit the booze as I waaz drunk on the job an; a bit of ang addict to!

Watching the light of the law an; so of it's cause an; meaning, will help you later in life, young an; old, but the plant is funny an; I cann’it see a hernia an; will be hating learning it the hard way. I know where respect for the law an; funny! I am less then separated. It waaz a 'deep impact' by the Sheffield Fan Heater Corp on my selfish life. My life is soo, but he is noot stupid. I'm not the same destructive hick today, so it just takes my breath away these days, now! I waaz a bad thing; since I waaz alwiz such a beast!

I usually go on alcohol withdrawal starting in my stomach on hartburn me; You can break long at work withoot a talk! It is moraly light, an; the wage spending thrifty economy will help you later in life, young an; old, but the vegetation grows slowly, an; I cann't ways, an; hate to study the problem. I know that those who respect the law, an; have fun! Grela Said "Broto", but Éčka listend and I could close lā'a youo!

Hospital 1Edit

I waaz taken to hospital an; put on moraphine, so I waaz still sleeping an; very sleepy when I woke up. I had freetening nightmares aboot stray deegs bite me, began to haallucinate the room waaz full of cats an; parasitic flies, got veru bad acne, lost a loot of body weight due to digestive problems, became nauseous, became very smelly, started sweating a loot, became very nearsighted an; started ganing deafness, wearing sunglasses many because of photophobia an; went almost baald! So I naturaally became paranoid an; depressed over the hysterectomy! It waaz worse after the times of the fist month, as the acne cram I usered had made my boobies so tender I could not wear a bra for 10 yaars due to the overly tender bust I had just attached to my self! Aye, I waaz like that for nine yaar’s an; it waaz allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waaz so awful to be like that an; I divvnt't watt to repeat the experience again!

Hospital 2Edit

On the retun of the second hospital time in 1995 I haad a major hunierisation of the woomb an; blidder, so I needed a hysterectomy. I hated the half yaar of the chemo since I went all bald, fat, smelly-breathed by the haitosis thingy, fucked-up, paranoid, farty an; flatulatie with the sumoch cramps to, browned-off, irational, unexspectedly uncooperative, drugged-up, drugged-out, scaired-titless, hystorectmyed, scrounging, skanky, stinky, chemically-coshed, deep-voiced, spotty, incredibaly infanile, infertile, impotent an; pukey. I had trouble using the bog an; sitting down in the cabinet when historectomised, as I leaked all over the cubical floor every times. I waaz allwiz so leaky back then! Aye, I waaz like that for a yaar’s time an; it waaz allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waaz so awful to be like that an; I divvnt't watt to repeat the experience again!

Oh, Hek; I thought every day; that less waaste category, the trashy, lower-class, pockmarked, scrawny, skin pealing peeling, and; praised lean peace Cumbria Skank delivered me my medication in the evening on my hospital five weeks of operational related illnesses. The nurse waaz supposed in her mid 20s, waaz skkiny, waaz white and; had blond hair tied into two 'bunches' groups. The breath of divvy waaz always been Minging. I gave a hint of politeness here and; Bernie (as in Bernadette) throw an; tantrum an; shooted at me! She waaz so rud when she scoped that tantrum. It waaz an unwanted crisis point. Haadaway she needed a good wesh and; a taak to hooswife about her cleaning her grubby clothes. I waaz in an; out my bed all the time with heartburn, a very slack an; runny diorama, migreans an; dyspepsia; ang still unprovoked by the moral violations of almost'a'ole every day! Aye, I waaz like that for nine yaar’s an; it waaz allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waaz so awful to be like that an; I divvnt't watt to repeat the experience again!

Ecky-thump, man, she needed an urgent cleaning. Personally I would have pushed the head the first time up a sheeps ass, to make her drop all the 'sheep's breath' and; start the inhalation CB12. Nay, I would have shoved her head first in to the sheep dip, with the stinky old rams whilst inhaling a taker truck full of CB12! Well she neded an urgent cleaning in a shep did. Hey, she desperately neded a dep cleaning, with the smelly old Arys! Most young nurses, who speek a loot of shit, waaz scum, unlike surgeons an; gynaecologists who were diamonds! It waaz so bad that I wanted someone could hoy the doilum on his work. Most people here scower down as she got near them! They must have the same problems as I did with the here.

Most young nurses waaz scum, unlike surgeons and; gynecologists who were diamonds! Yes, again, again, the lame sister Holly! My team were Doctor Coody, Doctor Allison, Dounia Nurse, Maureen nurse, Nurse Shona, Heike nurse, Gynecologist Dave, nurse Bernadette an; nurse Holly; who waaz a lame nurse. I hated everything as soon as possible, an; too doo what I doo noot know too explain it, but it waaz noot terrible, an; I hate that too repeat the experience! Shona is a bad thing; since it is such a beast!

I usually went to the bog because of my extreme slackness of my bowels that caused me extreme hartburn and; acceleration of the runny pooie's movement, but the den waaz always busy and; nurses do not notice what the other in the hallway privvy has not been fixed and; continued to leek on the ground of the cubical an; the cabonet! I went too it a few hours for it’s usage, an the pavilion waaz often dirty an; nurses must thoroughly clean the smelly old too woork. Comments in class an; it has’n’t privvy? And; I will continue under two inches dep of the flyd of shita. In more than an hour to go so listen you close close a lā'a youo! I waaz testified by the boss when he sought testing Hau an; bad breath of the 2 toilet gardian nurses, an; can divvnt example of several watt! He wants the leeks fixed an; fiked, so try to do it quick, but the challenge withoot doing your self a wounded hand or unexsprcted hernia! A flood'e le'ele or a Henco La'oe. It waaz bad for a week an; hell for a old loody witch has a problem of antisocial behavior an; heevay hair loss. My boobies were very sholen and felt a real tit because of my tits!

Bleached and baalding hairEdit

My hair bleached white by my addiction to strange pills, alas knows this grandmother, a 'cleaner of the drug store shleves'. I start crying when the hangover takes off an; too become a major part of the work, but will probably be for the best. Any pills of the mental kind made me so giggly, giddy standing up, vaguely open minded; all afraid of spidders an; relay sleppy. As I began to reflect aboot it a turbulent life, violent attitude, hysterectomy, dressed in extravagant but economic lingerie; good blouses, head-scarves an; steroided to be fat in 1996 after hysterectomy in 1995.

I waaz oot of employment for two yaar’s because of the pain an; drug induced belief I waaz a pig farmer with halitosis an; waaz a problem of antisocial behavior an; heavy hair loss. Hell, I now fear spiders and many a convicted old drug when I smoke tobacco. I divvnt't watt to repeat the hate fulled experience again!

A retail jobEdit

I then tried a retail job, but bad hernia withoot any physical provocation. I waaz not working between form 1997 to 2005 because of my body an; mind in ruins. My brain an; kidneys were rotted by drugs I waaz on! Aye, I waaz so scared if spidders it waaz allwiz hell! I cannit explain, but It waaz so awful to be like that an; I nay recovered from it an; became aracnaphobic between mid 1997 an; mid 1999. I still have times when I am upset an; find them to freetening to touch. I usually go on alcohol withdrawal starting in my stomach on hartburn me; nice job soon, but waaz soon having a weak an’ smelly body. With the poor body state; I think about having a resultant accident. These are the years of my heart died in po'ole of my life ang got to it’s arrhythmia crisis point!

Now baalding at 48, aching in the ears, anorexia, falling power so one "works less, because it will be very slow an; only a few hours a week." I waaz. Well, I had a child, but it is noot enough for Mary, which world Alice an; blames lazyness an; lack of moral laws. I came home early an; found my fatigued legs, I knew them to be happy. in fact, my story is also now soo wek in the next step in the healing. I fear spidders an; waaz made into a fat woman here, at this time an; place in my assistance to life. Nā'iole also fears spiders! Eilish, Tearlag an; Aoibheann set foot plan kill the spidders, but the tub of Oimhe wax did not work as much as we wanted it to! Morning important Balding Sidheag 42, an; acacia, nerves, doors day "A little, because it means fewer hours per week, an; the baby.”, but not enough for Mother Mary at risk of loosing hers in the womb, an; Alice is a lazy teenage Ka'ehu. Well, at home, an; need to exspell my fatigue. All because failure to do after surgery.

To Searlaid, let's set up a ka'ino bond group, to receive a piece of work, but maybe lu'olu the'o and mother of two. I began to think Aoibheann and Searlaid, involving bad and fowl language. Heck, Eilish is paranoid, hostile, angry to other students, more complete as a social-lesbian, more powerful person with no father and recently hag a 24-night stay in Harwich. Events as they think people will be happy to go T-Shirts, cardigan and jeans times.

I ate my many drugs an; smoke in private soo as noot to destree the public. As I waaz paranoid at this crisis point, I took it that, if they saw me taking this medication people would say: "Mary has an problem of antisocial behavior, heevay hair loss, stupid an; a unsless old drug addicted anorexian!".

I try to work in the cafe 2 years, but a hernia bad withoot a provocation. I explained, not in fear waaz for this year; I returned this time when I waaz angry; To connect with the freetening. In the hospital investigation of 2002 it waaz found to be bad. I usually go to the swamp of stagnation in my gut is alwiz about hartburn me; the cold dose act faster, but still busy with life waaz hole. The den fixing plans idea is sister Holly's', but of the other in the hallway privvy an; hasn't been corrected yet! I have more than an hour to go, so must often get dirty, baalder an; smelly with the woork on the poop endings.

I also went often to the bog because of my extreme softness of my roted heart that caused me extreme me an arrhythmia that waaz aggravated by my hartburn the bowel failures caused the acceleration of the movement of the po flowing, but the den waaz alwiz busy und several nurses, who speek a loot of shit, do not notice what the o’ther in the hallway privy waaz not fixed an; continued leak a growing fyld of shit over the cube an; in to the corridor! Ay, I waaz like that for five weckss und it waaz alwiz hell! I canit able to explain, but it waaz as horrible as this be und I did not wats to repeat the hate filled experynce!

Consider the damage I had on my "down under". I felt bad, abused, abandoned, angry, fearful, lost, unhappy an; tormented, anoyed an; owned! I hate everything as quickly as possible, since I am wierd an; I hate more than anyting to repeat the obnoxiose an; hatefull experience!

Eeh by gum, I waaz so screwd up back then! The big straw hat, sunglasses an; photophobia were bad. Haardaway, This is the crisis point. I know I do not think I hate them! an; I cann’it explain, but it waaz scary, an; I do noot want to repeat the experience. I hate everything as soon as possible, an; to doo what I doo not know to explain it, but it waaz noot terrible, an; I hate that to repeat the experience, an; I can't explain it, but I hate you all know, we do noot hate, I feel terrible, but I am paranoid an; I can see that!

The mental heath exspert Teshina gave me some pills to lift my sprits; but I spent 6 months being remarkably stupidifyed, proto-Goth filled, slepped a loot, very anorexian, waaz as out of controller as a bad-hearted teenage girl, looked like a former drug addict anorexian, behaved like a spoilt child young, waaz giggling, wass smelly, became wave-sprited an; waaz very lazy! I hated everything as soon as possible, an; too doo what I doo noot know too explain it, but it waaz noot terrible, an; I hate that too repeat the experience! Teshina is a bad thing; since it is such a beast!

My treament had filled me with hate, frustration, anger an; fear! I hate everything as soon as possible, especial to see Scooby Doo what I told him on TV, but waaz in C. I hate to tell you what happened, but does not mean you have to say that I hate, you know my new "anger code", I feel terrible an; that I saw you often crying to!

I think out of pain, anger, fear, lost joy an; suffering anoyed this! I hate immediately all possible, see Scooby Doo what I described above, but waaz an; dangerous than I hate you! Hello lost, an; I know clitors bad Spanish Festival for me! See the world below, an; ovoid. Spain change in the future, an; Grela Say "Broto" growth. Holly an; Patricia want to stay with my hair. well, I died it bright green, now it's gon grey like I did whith mine an; they say: "she's hot!"

My kidsEdit

My bairns loved me and; came from Daventry every Sunda. Katie is 12, Angela is 18 and; Nina si 25. They are loyal to the bitter end! Well, "If the spare rod is 'spired', you spoil the child, when your 'eggs are hatched'," I say, but I brought reet and; noo they are gentle and; kind bairns, not brats! My husband; got fed up with me in 1998 and; we amicably divorced. He waaz a divvy and; a sloath.

My kids were my life line und saved my sanity from cracking up! If the replacement rod 'inspired' to spoil the child, if 'yawar eggs hatched', I say, und If the replacement rod is spired, you spoil the child, 'when his eggs hatch', I also say, but I brought ret und no they are gentle und specyes of bairns, not urchins like my husband of 12 years. He waaz a divy! I still have moments when Im upset Hadaway one find fretening to the touch. Eh by gum, I waaz so Screwd up! If the backup rod is 'conspired' you spoil the child, when yawar 'eggs are hatched', I say, but I brought them up strieght an; ret, soo noo they are soft, kind, loving an; loyal bairns of that kind, noo Lu'olu the'o bloody brats! Nina is a god He'u'uku an’ faithful to the end is bitter! If the support staff "inspiration, take the kids to be sent free," I said, you see a pattern; Codes an; power. He'u'uku live as nice children, noo brats!

Many days I waaz still wearing sunglasses because of a photoiobia an' spent nearly all that time with them being paranoid, feightened, upset, leaky, smelly, swety an; nigh on bould!

I kept no medical trust Hadaway one must know in Milton Keynes Medical Trust. I continued trust a non-medical lawyawar I found in Notingham in late 2003. Yus, I waaz so scaired if spiddours alwiz it waaz hell! I canit explain, but it waaz so awful to be like that Hadaway one I recovered an; became Ay aracnaiobic betwen early 2004 an; late 2005. 

Hosital 3Edit

I waaz taken to a hospital, Northampton General Hospital in 2001, on the fact the hernia did break withot again that the moment! I waaz put on morine, So I waaz still aslep very tired when I woke up. I had nightmares abot scatering Deg fretening bite me, began hallucinate the rom waaz full of cats an; a parasitic fly, lost a some of body weight by digestive problems, waaz nauseated very uncomfortabley, started sweating a aloot, waaz very short-sighted an; began ganing deafness, with sunglasses with a big strawl sun hat a loot because of the sensitivity to light, I almost went bould to! So naturally I waaz a paranoid depressed!

Yus, I thought that two years waaz only a year as my perception of time imploded it waaz alwiz hell! I canit to explain, but it waaz as horrible as this be und I did not wats to repeat the experynce! I then had after 2 weiks a segicalky-related diseases of the hair called aloapicia an; went almost bould after 3 weiks, due to the codine an; morohine I took. I also took on extremely bad hart burn an; headache it caused me with the exstremly dioreahal acceleration of the motion of the current po, but the cave waaz alwiz full of shita an; people exspelling a loot of shit from there asses. I noted the nurses, who speek a loot of shit, do not notice what waaz in the privy waaz not resolved fur ther more it waaz wet on the floor of the cubicals with a watert leak! Doctor Allison's 'Operation Drought' is considered little more than usual, silly, foolish an; cruel to be a bad method to loo overflow stopping an; cleaning anyware in England, so the water never went permantly off!

Ay, I waaz like that for five weckss und it waaz alwiz hell! I canit able to explain, but it waaz as horrible as this be und I did not wats to repeat the experynce! I also went often to the bog because of my extreme softness of my roted heart that caused me extreme me an arrhythmia that waaz aggravated by my hartburn the bowel failures caused the acceleration of the movement of the po flowing, but the den waaz alwiz busy und several nurses, who speek a loot of shit, do not notice what the o’ther in the hallway privy waaz not fixed an; continued leak a growing fyld of shita over the cube an; in to the corridor!

Durine the job, I waaz sergicly put on morapine, I still slept, but oh hadaway, one's o'llo very slepy when I woke up! I fretening delusions about stray degs plooting abot then giving nightmares about poches bite me, started hallucinate the rom waaz full of a cat covered in parasitic flys, lost a loot of body weight as the spoils shot out of my ass due to digestive problems, nausea become commonplace, also the bouldness thinggy now have become very bad, started sweating very badly all over my shrunken boty. Yus, I waaz like that for, hadaway, one year an; it is only, hadaway, one alwiz it waaz hell! I canit explain, but it waaz so awful to be like that, hadaway, one I did not wats to repeat the experynce again! In the arly poart of 2002 I struggled with 6 months drug-induced belif I have a pig with bad breath. At least I waaz not really recovered from it und aracnaiobic time during the dialysis blod, cleaning the cavity of und Specialist anti-hernia treatment.

I also had commuter Derby for two days each week for dialysis blood, clean-up of the cavity an; the anti-hernia treatment specialist. I waaz in bed many as unprovoked hernia on a near daily basis. The situation is what is known as a "Ka'ino Na'ai hi Ka'ino" Help, I need glasses my weened off and less light on my failing eyes!

RecoveryEdit

Finaally, a specialist in Nottingham abound sorted me an; I waaz full of pockets an; firm in early 2004. Birmingham Hospital has added an extra pocket an; gave me a kidney transplant a month later an; I waaz much better.

I continued medical non confidence an; sued Milton Keynes £95,000 an; spent £35,000 sued to gan to Carterton, near to Banbury, in early 2005.

I arrived in Carterton, near to Banbury, at the end of 2005 an; I gant my charity work an; began a new breet life! Well, it’s proved ka'aka and is as clear that prism now Change to a new life now so very breet!"

  • A parody of British 1970s slice of life style books. Such sad, illiterate and depressive works do exist.Trish pt7 (talk) 18:15, July 5, 2016 (UTC)
  • Expanded by.Boldmouse2 (talk) 02:29, December 10, 2016 (UTC)

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